The Rats – ‘Rat’s Revenge – Parts 1 & 2′

Guest post by Daniel P. Grosz

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH RATS!” – That’s how it begins and for the next 5 or so minutes that’s how it stays. It’s the Rat’s revenge, and they got a big eye on you baby. They’re here to spike the punch and draw all over the walls of your parents house. It’s their party now, you better go along with it, or else it’ll be revenge on YOU.

So I was supposed to write about one song. But I can’t split up the twins – you need both parts to get the whole picture, one is build-up, two is pay-off. They’re two peas in a pod, my friends. Besides, as we all know, sticking together is what good waffles do. And man, it’s an EPIC. Part 1 is the story of what happened, part 2 is… uh… is more of the same. Yeah!

This here is the genuine, original story of da brudders el ratso. They were supposed to meet the Golden Pelicans in the parking lot of the neighborhood supermarket, 11:30, Friday night. But they didn’t show!

C’mon Rats, we expect more from you puke-stains.

So what is the rat’s revenge you ask? Well let me submit this answer to you – Who knows and who cares! This song ain’t exactly [James] Joyce, if ya know what I mean. Part one they tell us “we gonna HAVE the rat’s revenge on you”. Part two answers “we’ve HAD the rat’s revenge on you”.

Huh? What did I miss there? What happened while I was flipping the record over?

Not that it matters much, but if your song is gonna be called RAT’S REVENGE, then you should let us know what the hell you’re talking about. I’d ask for a part three to maybe explain things a little, but I don’t wanna be the one calling the cops on this drunken mess. I mean, whatever. You think these dorks could live up to a big R-E-V-E-N-G-E anyway?

So it doesn’t have much to say, and it certainly doesn’t make much sense. How come you gotta hear it then? Well, for one these dudes got a true to life dumb-dumb genius – they really gotta be smart to be this stoopid. They know where they stand, and they just nail it right into yer big fat forehead.

“In time you’ll learn to despise us, hate us even – you will dislike us VEHEMENTLY.”

What the hell are they talkin’ about anyway?

Rhyming twice with nice? Genius! And then fucking up the bass solo? Aw man, you got me again. One riff, one riff to kill ‘em and then bury ‘em deep enough that they don’t come after you later that night. Yeah, laugh it off Rats, we’ll be down there with the lot of ya real soon.

And now, here’s the Rat’s life lesson. This is The Rats’ classroom, and we’re all here to study START YOUR OWN BAND 101. Here’s how it’s done. Young musicians take note!

1. Learn Louie Louie – Moses came down from the mountain – not with two tableaus – but with two tapes, both of which had the Kingsmen version of Louie on them.
2. Sit on it – keep playing those big three Louie chords, this ain’t classical music!
3. Talk yourself up – no one will know you’re numero uno unless ya tell ‘em so!
4. Challenge every other band around – so they know who’s boss.
5. Get dumb and stay that way – how can you rag on a band who already know they’re idiots?
6. Get outta there – 2 and half minute songs, 20 minute sets. Words (or numbers) to live by.

And that’s all ya really need. This is how everyone should sound. This is the perfect show; this is how it’s done. You show up, and then BAM! Revenge baby, we got it. And when big super giant rat plays his moechine (their word, not mine) you really get that fight in you. Fuck the Golden Pelicans. Long live The Rats!

Don’t try, just do it. Fuck, even Nike know what I mean. Everyone’s singing about SOMETHING these days, so how ‘bout we go the opposite way for once in twenty years? Shit, that’s where we are anyway – didn’t Lady Gaga say “don’t think too much, this beat is sick”? The Rat’s warn us “don’t play with your feet this time”, but don’t just use your head either.

Just have fun. Fuggedabout the message ‘cause it’s always the wrong one anyway. This record sounds and IS more fun than anything by the Coldplays and Radioheads of this world – and let me tell you, Rat’s Revenge got more meaning than anything those cold fish ever had. Ya don’t need funny chords or expensive guitars or lotsa words or a big showbiz rockstar attitude. At the end of the day, we’re all just RATS anyway. Get loose, the world is over in two years anyway. Done.

The Rats – Rats Revenge Pt 1(Side A)

The Rats – Rats Revenge Pt 2 (Side B)

PS: Daniel plays in a sort-of-undefinable-but-for-the-sake-of-brevity-we’ll-call-it-punk band called Dead Farmers with former One A Day list-maker, David Akerman. Check them out right here.